In response to my last post. After posting last night, I quickly got over whatever feelings I was experiencing. That was good, however, I was worried people would be quick to make assumptions about my feelings towards certain people so I am writing this as a follow up to clarify those thoughts and emotions. I feel emotions very intensely and my body reacts to them in a physical way. The issue is that I can never verbally pinpoint those emotion. All I know is the physical depth of the feeling. I used to cry frequently about people, places, and things. I really love crying, it feels good to release emotions, even if they're not always positive. However, without realizing it at the time, I hadn't properly cried over something in a while. The last time I had cried was in a restaurant, over a waiter who looked identical to a someone I was seeing over the summer time of last year, which ended terribly, but I didn't allow myself to fully cry as I was in a public space. Last night I couldn't help but sob over all my feelings of confusion. It was very much needed. At first I couldn't understand what it was. I didn't know what upset me or what I was crying about. What I did know for certain was that I was not upset over that person. In fact, it had nothing to do with him at all. Then I started to question my emotional reaction in response to my friend saying he was ready to be in a relationship. I think it's reasonable to assume that I was upset because I wanted my friend to want to be in a relationship with me, but truthfully, that wasn't the case either. In fact, it had nothing to do with him at all. So I asked myself, "Why am I crying over people I have no interest in?", "Why am I crying over people I haven't talked to in months?", "People I never even dated?", "What am I crying about if it’s not him that I want?", "What is it that's making me so upset?". I can say, for certain, that I am no longer interested in these people I might have once had complicated romantic connections with anymore. However, I do miss the feelings and emotions I felt with and towards those people at the time. Just not those people themselves. I called another friend last night, and while crying over Facetime, he made me question why it was that I felt I could only experience love and positive depth of emotions through other people. That left me questioning why it was that I could be so invested in other people and their interests rather than my own. I recognized that there was no shame in doing things for yourself exclusively. So, just to clarify, I am not hung up on past lovers. I just miss those feelings of love that I've had in general, not with them specifically. I think what frustrates me is that I don't experience it often or ever seem to have it for long periods at a time, as I am not dating anyone at the moment. I miss it but I realize that it's okay not to date, regardless of whether it's something I have an interest in or not. I think it not only goes for past lovers, but people I have briefly met and gotten to know as well. I get attached to people, or the idea of people, very quickly without fully getting to know them. I think I just like how some people make me feel when we were together and find myself wanting more. I like how people make me feel, and I like how I can be with others. It's always nice to bask and enjoy someone's company, knowing they are enjoying yours as well. When I was upset last night, it wasn't about wanting a particular person in my life but rather wanting to feel the feelings that I know at times I have experienced towards others. Not being able to experience that, is what hurts. Sometimes I feel things without knowing what those things are but writing helps me navigate those emotions by condensing them into coherent words and sentences. As much as I will continue writing in more structured formats, I think letting thoughts roam free sometimes is equally important. It’s the only way to make sense of them.
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I've got a love for desire Why do I still think about him? Why do I want to be with her? Why do I cry when I see strangers who look like you? Why does it feel so heavy in my chest? Why am I still crying about you? I don’t know why I’m still stuck on this. I am grieving relationships that never existed. I can’t seem to get over people I never dated. I don't know what I'm feeling, but it hurts too much. I am often reminded of people I shared romantic connections with, but those connections were never relationships. I recently spoke to a friend who mentioned he was ready for a relationship. He told me about some girl he liked and his intent to pursue her. I couldn’t help but feel like shit for the rest of the day, thinking, “is it really that easy?”. I couldn’t believe that someone my age was actively seeking a relationship when it feels, as though, no one is ever seeking one. It made me ask myself "what am I doing wrong?", "why do I struggle so much with relationships?". I told him, confidently, that I couldn’t care less about a relationship right now, and although that most definitely carried some truth to it, I couldn’t help but feel upset in response to his declaration of love. There was a pain in my chest, and I couldn’t explain it. I am okay with not being in a relationship and I don’t feel incomplete without one. What hurts is thinking about the potential of being in one and everything that accompanies it. I have always had so much love for people. I can remember every single person I have ever had a crush on. I love to love people. I love learning languages for them, making playlists for them, watching their favourite movies, reading their favourite books, traveling to see them, dancing with them, holding hands and kissing them. There’s so much beauty in connection. Not having that, not feeling that, is what hurts. I don’t know why it hurts or why I am still hung up on people I never dated, but I am trying to get over the feeling. I can’t put a name to it, although some might call it grief. Can you really grieve the idea of someone? It sucks. I really hate feeling like this but that’s all it is, just a feeling. A stupid, shitty, and painful feeling. But I’ll get over it. |
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