The following article features mentions of suicide and depression. I tend to write blog posts when I am incredibly frustrated or upset. I have been doing well recently, which is likely why I haven’t felt inclined to write anything lately. The only times I have ever put a pen to paper in an attempt to start a diary is when I am in total distress. I noticed this after realizing I had started a journal and was frantically writing every day until I eventually stopped writing. It was all relative to how I was feeling in life. About a month ago, I felt extremely suicidal. After having abruptly ended a friendship while extremely intoxicated, I spun out. I was very emotional and had drunk large amounts of liquor earlier that night to discard any unpleasant, or rather, any feelings I was having. After my friends had left, I was alone and drunk, and all I could think about was how much I did not want to live. It felt like the world was ending. It scared me, I had never felt like I had reached such a low point in my life, and I was worried that I would do something stupid. I was overwhelmed. There were lots of things going on at this particular point in my life. I cried for a while and at some point, managed to get on my phone and miraculously call an angel of a friend. She picked up the phone, and I could only continue to sob. I felt ridiculous and incredibly sorry for bothering her. But she listened to everything I had to say, and I could not thank her enough. I still can't. I told her that it felt impossible to live, and she told me that she felt the same sometimes, but suggested that I give it two weeks. Two weeks to let the emotions run and set the feelings in place. She told me to give it time and said things would feel different. So, I went to bed that night. I woke up the next morning, it felt quiet and peaceful. I could only feel glad about the extreme decision I decided not to make, I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know why I am writing about this. So many things were happening at this point in my life, and everything felt impossible. But I gave it two weeks and am writing this over a month later. I am in a completely different place than I was last month. I hate being depressed. I don’t think I would have believed that anything would have changed for the better. But now that I am no longer currently feeling how I was, I contemplate what living life is really about. I often spend my days passively, and wonder when life starts to improve. But I forget to acknowledge that each day I am living and that each day life can be good. I just don’t know what I am doing and it scares me. I question my character and judgments, morality and values, constantly wondering if I am making right or wrong decisions, but I worry I will never truly know. I want to have it all figured out, but I don't. I recognize that most people don’t. Do we ever? It can be such a pain to live sometimes, but I appreciate all the beauty that comes with it. The strangers you befriend, the friends you love, the lovers you embrace. Life, to me, is about people. I can not enjoy my own self without the accompaniment of others, but I recognize that I, myself, can be as important to others as they are to me. That’s what makes life worth living, I think—surrounding yourself with people who make you feel loved and important as they make you feel.
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In response to my last post. After posting last night, I quickly got over whatever feelings I was experiencing. That was good, however, I was worried people would be quick to make assumptions about my feelings towards certain people so I am writing this as a follow up to clarify those thoughts and emotions. I feel emotions very intensely and my body reacts to them in a physical way. The issue is that I can never verbally pinpoint those emotion. All I know is the physical depth of the feeling. I used to cry frequently about people, places, and things. I really love crying, it feels good to release emotions, even if they're not always positive. However, without realizing it at the time, I hadn't properly cried over something in a while. The last time I had cried was in a restaurant, over a waiter who looked identical to a someone I was seeing over the summer time of last year, which ended terribly, but I didn't allow myself to fully cry as I was in a public space. Last night I couldn't help but sob over all my feelings of confusion. It was very much needed. At first I couldn't understand what it was. I didn't know what upset me or what I was crying about. What I did know for certain was that I was not upset over that person. In fact, it had nothing to do with him at all. Then I started to question my emotional reaction in response to my friend saying he was ready to be in a relationship. I think it's reasonable to assume that I was upset because I wanted my friend to want to be in a relationship with me, but truthfully, that wasn't the case either. In fact, it had nothing to do with him at all. So I asked myself, "Why am I crying over people I have no interest in?", "Why am I crying over people I haven't talked to in months?", "People I never even dated?", "What am I crying about if it’s not him that I want?", "What is it that's making me so upset?". I can say, for certain, that I am no longer interested in these people I might have once had complicated romantic connections with anymore. However, I do miss the feelings and emotions I felt with and towards those people at the time. Just not those people themselves. I called another friend last night, and while crying over Facetime, he made me question why it was that I felt I could only experience love and positive depth of emotions through other people. That left me questioning why it was that I could be so invested in other people and their interests rather than my own. I recognized that there was no shame in doing things for yourself exclusively. So, just to clarify, I am not hung up on past lovers. I just miss those feelings of love that I've had in general, not with them specifically. I think what frustrates me is that I don't experience it often or ever seem to have it for long periods at a time, as I am not dating anyone at the moment. I miss it but I realize that it's okay not to date, regardless of whether it's something I have an interest in or not. I think it not only goes for past lovers, but people I have briefly met and gotten to know as well. I get attached to people, or the idea of people, very quickly without fully getting to know them. I think I just like how some people make me feel when we were together and find myself wanting more. I like how people make me feel, and I like how I can be with others. It's always nice to bask and enjoy someone's company, knowing they are enjoying yours as well. When I was upset last night, it wasn't about wanting a particular person in my life but rather wanting to feel the feelings that I know at times I have experienced towards others. Not being able to experience that, is what hurts. Sometimes I feel things without knowing what those things are but writing helps me navigate those emotions by condensing them into coherent words and sentences. As much as I will continue writing in more structured formats, I think letting thoughts roam free sometimes is equally important. It’s the only way to make sense of them. I've got a love for desire Why do I still think about him? Why do I want to be with her? Why do I cry when I see strangers who look like you? Why does it feel so heavy in my chest? Why am I still crying about you? I don’t know why I’m still stuck on this. I am grieving relationships that never existed. I can’t seem to get over people I never dated. I don't know what I'm feeling, but it hurts too much. I am often reminded of people I shared romantic connections with, but those connections were never relationships. I recently spoke to a friend who mentioned he was ready for a relationship. He told me about some girl he liked and his intent to pursue her. I couldn’t help but feel like shit for the rest of the day, thinking, “is it really that easy?”. I couldn’t believe that someone my age was actively seeking a relationship when it feels, as though, no one is ever seeking one. It made me ask myself "what am I doing wrong?", "why do I struggle so much with relationships?". I told him, confidently, that I couldn’t care less about a relationship right now, and although that most definitely carried some truth to it, I couldn’t help but feel upset in response to his declaration of love. There was a pain in my chest, and I couldn’t explain it. I am okay with not being in a relationship and I don’t feel incomplete without one. What hurts is thinking about the potential of being in one and everything that accompanies it. I have always had so much love for people. I can remember every single person I have ever had a crush on. I love to love people. I love learning languages for them, making playlists for them, watching their favourite movies, reading their favourite books, traveling to see them, dancing with them, holding hands and kissing them. There’s so much beauty in connection. Not having that, not feeling that, is what hurts. I don’t know why it hurts or why I am still hung up on people I never dated, but I am trying to get over the feeling. I can’t put a name to it, although some might call it grief. Can you really grieve the idea of someone? It sucks. I really hate feeling like this but that’s all it is, just a feeling. A stupid, shitty, and painful feeling. But I’ll get over it. I tried to write more, but this is all I could come up with for this week. I am accepting the fact that some of my posts will be no more than the length of a note. Thank you for reading, regardless. This month I have hit writer's block. I had an extensive article planned for this past week, but nothing would come out whenever I would sit in front of my computer to write. I knew exactly what I wanted to write about but found myself completely unable to do so. I am frustrated. I have maintained an effort to keep this blog as consistent as possible. My plan of posting bi-weekly was going well up until this past week, but that's okay. I have to be okay with it. I cannot post content that I am not proud of. As much as I would love to reach my personal deadlines, I have decided to take my time with writing instead. That being said, I have a very exciting article on its way. Keep an eye out for that one! Hello everyone! Just a quick note before this week’s post. I have received an overwhelmingly positive response since I started posting my work. It’s great to know that you are enjoying it. This has been very fun for me. As always, I would love to hear your feedback, critical or not. Feel free to send me a message regarding any of my posts whenever you'd like. Thank you for reading! This is likely my most disorganized blog post to date, and I am okay with that. The past month has found itself to be extremely difficult for me as I found myself in a bit of a depression. I had absolutely no ambition to do anything with my life and was ready to give up on everything. This was extremely difficult for me to get out of, as it usually is. Most of what I will be writing about today is about what I have been thinking of recently. That being my current and future career and education, and how it's made me feel as of lately. I recently found a new job and although it's been great for me financially, the shift in routine has completely destroyed me. I found myself unable to sleep most nights and as a result I would sleep for hours throughout the daytime instead. I have no work-life balance and I hate it. I used to go rock climbing three to four times a week, typically after school, yet I have not fully committed myself to going in about a month. I even cancelled my membership to my climbing gym as a result of that. I used to have leisure activities, and now all I seem to be doing is working. Unfortunately, I can't do everything I would like to do. As frustrating as it is, I am working for a reason, but we'll get more into my finances in another blog post. In addition, I have also been struggling with school. I am not currently a university student, but I would like to be. I am currently upgrading courses in order to obtain the grade requirements for university, which is embarrassing for me to admit. I feel so ashamed of my academic status. I gave up any efforts to have good grades during my last year of grade school, and am now facing the consequences of my apathy. I understand that there is no right or wrong way to go about your life, more specifically in education, and career. Everyone does things at their own pace. I just can't help but feel so behind in my academics when comparing myself to others my age. The problem is that I know exactly what I want in life. I am just frustrated with myself for not have taken the conventional steps to get there. As many of you know, I have been exploring my creative outlets. While thinking about what I might do as a career, I recognized that I could definitely form one out of them. Unfortunately, I have never found myself to be someone who has committed myself to one particular thing. It’s hard to explore career options when I feel as though I have not found a personal identity within my creative fields. I do not consider myself a writer, although I write. I do not consider myself a photographer (mostly because many of my photos are shot on my phone), although I certainly have an eye for photography and can take photographs. I do not consider myself a stylist, makeup artist, or fashion designer, although I have worked on numerous creative projects having done all three. I am everything and nothing at the same time. There is no particular thing that defines me, which is okay for now, but it worries me when it comes to deciding on my future career and education. I know what I like and dislike. Sometimes I want to do everything and other times I want to do nothing. I always tend to overwork or underwork myself and it always leads to disappointment. Everything feels impossible, it's hard to remind myself that it's not. As most of us are, I am actively trying to figure my life out. I do not have a conclusion, but I do not think there will ever be one. It's important to talk about education and career. They go hand in hand, but I like to remember that, much like ourselves, the two are constantly changing (in theory or practice) with or without each other. Some things will never go as planned, and I think that's okay. Any difficulty or rejection is an opportunity for new direction. I would love to hear your thoughts on it. Love notes Through my blog, I am exploring the multiple facets of love. Love for people, places, and things. I am not only enamored by people but also by the many forms of art that humans create. That includes, but is not limited to, fashion, photography, film, music, paintings, and architecture. Often, I find myself crying at concerts, museums, and movie theatres. There is nothing I can compare to the experience of being fully immersed in a piece of audio or visual work. This past week, I particularly found myself surrounded by music – figuratively and literally. I went to a concert with a friend, bought tickets to see one of my favourite artists in Vancouver, and won tickets to a music festival in Montréal that I have wanted to attend for the past five years. It all seemed to align perfectly. Through my excitement, and indulging in the sweet nostalgia of past events that I have attended, I realized that live music and concerts are something that I have a deep affection towards. I find that live concerts often carry a certain energy that can't be replicated or found anywhere else. It's truly something exciting. I often feel this way about many things. I would like to share these experiences with you through my blog as I encourage you to meticulously, or spontaneously, embrace the vast beauty of art as well. As I continue experimenting with my writing, I have tried something different for this week's blog post and written a poem dedicated to music. As always, I hope to hear your thoughts, as well as your own experiences with love and art. “A special event for singles, lovers, and everything in between.” – Perfect Match Event Promotion Since I started my blog, I have found a passion for writing; I wanted to try different writing styles and formats to see what suits me best. So, for this week’s post, I have a short article and summary of my experience at Barcode777’s “Perfect Match” event. I was curious to participate when I heard Barcode777 (@barrcode777) was hosting its first speed dating event. “Have us set you up with your perfect match, whether you're looking for a lover, a friend, or getting to know your partner better. Leave the details up to us.” How intriguing and rare to see a modern day matchmaking event. Coincidentally enough, I had already gotten a date out of one of their previous events. I went to their launch party back in January, and thanks to the “We’re not Really Strangers” cards that were laid out around the venue, I easily conversed with a stranger. We played the game, got to know each other, and by the end of it, I was asked out on a date—quite a lovely experience. So I was excited to see what was in store, seeing as matchmaking was this event's primary purpose. Taking on a mix of speed dating and matchmaking, each participant filled out a personality quiz before the event. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a handwritten love letter in the mail, assigning me to a table at the event. This table would then include my most compatible correspondents, those considered to be my closest matches. Initially, I was skeptical. I wondered how I would accurately be matched to anyone with only a few vague questions, such as “given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” to which I (obviously) answered, Timothée Chalamet. I was intrigued and had many questions to ask. So, I reached out to the creators, Anora (@anoradotca) and Thalia (@thaliaclacken), for further clarification. We met for coffee, and over our friendly conversation, here’s what I learned about Barcode777 and the “Perfect Match” event. Barcode777 is a collective community “pushing the boundaries and reinventing what a night out means,” emphasizing “creating safe, fun events that showcase local talent, businesses, and creatives.” The girls revealed that it was born out of frustration from the typical night out in Edmonton. “I don't want to go to the same club every single night, see the same people, [hear the] same music,” said Anora. She found herself inspired by events from around the world. Having lived in Toronto for a year, she went to underground parties, events, and pop-ups. She had also attended these events in places such as the UK, and found that Edmonton was missing out on those experiences. So she took matters into her own hands, but that wouldn’t come without Thalia's help, who also wished Edmonton had more to offer. The two have been working together since the late summer of 2022. What began as a collaboration between Thalia, a photographer (@dreaminfilm.studio), and Anora’s vintage re-selling account (@ulltrasweet) soon became more. Getting along instantly and sharing a strong work ethic, the two have been working on creative projects and putting events together ever since. They hope to expand from local to national events, first aiming for capital cities such as Montréal, Vancouver, and Toronto. Barcode777’s ultimate focus and goal is bringing diverse groups of people together. After initially planning an event for couples, the two thought hosting an event for everyone instead would be best. “Let’s do something for single people or those not in relationships [but] looking for friendships,” they said. “Perfect Match” simplifies dating and meeting people, breaking barriers, and making connections more accessible. I loved their inclusive approach and was even more excited to attend the event. As I was getting ready, I followed their colour-coded dress code for the night, choosing to wear black as it implied “it’s complicated.” As you all know, my relationship status might not be complicated, but I certainly can be. When I got to the venue, I immediately found my assigned table. People started showing up, and shortly after, the speed dating began. Everyone at my table quickly shared what they were looking for, some relationships and some only friendships. Around the room, there were cards inspired by the “We’re Not Really Strangers” game. The cards allowed everyone to ease into deeper conversation. It was a great way of getting to know people. The speed dating went on for a couple of hours. People mingled, switched tables, and took photos at the lovely decorated venue. Some people went upstairs to the bar lounge, grabbed a drink or danced with friends, and later continued speed dating throughout the night. To be honest, I went into this event with no expectations. When I got there, I had the surprising realization that I might not entirely be ready for a relationship after all. I noticed this through speaking with others, who seemed much more confident and eager about dating, which scared me. I got nervous about forming new connections with people that were open and ready for a relationship. I had been searching for love and romance over the past couple of years, but meeting people who wanted relationships, made me realize that maybe I don’t. A close friend might be right, saying I only want what I can’t have. That being either emotionally unavailable people or people who simply don't want to date me. I hope to figure this out more; maybe I don’t want what I think I want. I might not have found my soulmate, the love of my life, or Timothée Chalamet, but I did find a new introspection on my love life. At the end of the night, my “Perfect Match” was a fantastic night out at a Barcode777 event. So we continue to believe in love. For the past two years, I have been in and out of countless relationships, or rather, situationships. I had the idea of writing and publishing love letters to all the people I have loved, but never dated. I felt it might be a bit jarring, and others might be quick to figure out who the lovers are, but that isn’t the point. The point is to share my frustrations with dating, hoping someone might relate. I will never know an experience other than my own, so the only thing I can do is share my opinions and experiences with others, hoping they will do the same. Everyone has a different definition of love, sex, and dating. It’s hard to know what people are looking for when it feels as though they are never being honest. I would rather hear that someone is not interested in me, than hear that they are, but be shown the opposite. “I can’t have a relationship [with] everything going on in my life” said the one who got into a relationship a few weeks after texting me that. That person could, in fact, have a relationship. “I can’t do one-night stands” said the one who slept with me on the first date, and then never followed up for a second one. It was, unfortunately, a one-night stand. I’m tired of feeling like I am constantly being led on, deceived, and lied to. Now, I am, at the core, an extremist; some might prefer the term hopeless romantic. I fell in love with someone across the world one time. I made all the effort to see her, and I did. When I fall in love with someone, everything feels possible. When I am in love, or have a strong liking towards someone, it isn’t out of character for me to want to learn that person's native language or familiarize myself with their cultural holidays and traditions. I will admit, I do the absolute most; I am not always proud of it. As I am writing this, I am coming to realize that maybe I am the problem. It is not other people’s fault that I fall so incredibly head over heels for them to the point that I contemplate converting religions. That is seriously on me. What frustrates me is that these people once had feelings for me too, and told me so, but were never willing to explore what a relationship might look like between the two of us; for whatever reason. Some people want absolutely nothing to do with relationships and are only interested in having sex; that is completely okay. Sexuality is a great thing to explore in early and young adulthood. I just wish that those who were only interested in having sex would clarify it. I don’t understand the point of telling someone that you’re looking for a relationship when you’re only interested in having sex and vice versa. I understand that everyone has a different philosophy on dating, but I will never understand the lack of honesty and communication. It’s what makes casual relations and modern dating so hard. I don’t understand why people are afraid to openly express their feelings toward someone and their intentions regarding sex and dating right away. That is, assuming that people know what they want. Do people know what they want? And if they do, are people worried that they won't be able to obtain it if they express what they want? I have been on various ends of it. I have been the person desperately in love with someone who is not sure of wanting me. I have been the person looking for casual sex. I have been the one feeling chased and desired by someone I am not particularly interested in. It’s hard to tell people you might not want to date them, but ultimately, it’s best to communicate those feelings. It’s definitely hard, but it is a doable conversation to have. At the end of the day, even if I don’t know how I feel entirely, I will always tell people what I am thinking. People say things and either act accordingly, or not. Despite knowing this, I remain confused by those who imply they are interested in me yet, do not make any efforts or attempts to contact me. Maybe they don’t like me enough, but why give the impression or imply that we are dating? How am I supposed to navigate mixed signals? The problem is, that despite their actions, I choose to believe them at face value. So, if someone tells me that they like me, but prove otherwise, I will unfortunately continue to believe they are interested in me. I have also seen the other end of it. I see people infatuated with others, but they are too afraid or don’t care to tell them. I don’t understand why. If someone likes you, wouldn’t you like to know? I tend to act according to what I would like to hear from others. Now, this is not to say that I am the perfect model. Absolutely not. I have no clue what I’m doing. I have always told people I liked them, but it has never led me anywhere. I have also hurt people through my honesty. I have really messed things up between some of the people I've liked and myself. It’s important to remember that we are not responsible for people’s reactions to our behaviors, but we are responsible for our actions. I am sorry if I have hurt you; I recognize that I can also be at fault. People tend to tell me that I just want a relationship. It’s not about being in a relationship, although that would be nice. I want someone to be interested in getting to know me as much as I am interested in getting to know them. Not too much, not too little. Mutual infatuation, desire, and passion. I want sex to feel intimate, even if it’s casual. I have had casual relations that have felt fulfilling; so much more fulfilling than some of my actual relationships. It’s about mutual interest, common values, and consistency. When I think of fulfillment in romance, sex, and intimacy, one person often comes to mind. My European holiday romance. It was purely that, nothing more. Definitely, some, if not the most, intimate days I have ever spent with someone. Our romance was unconditional, just a few days well spent together; no stressing about what we were, or when we would see each other again, but rather enjoying the company we shared at that exact moment in time. Can you fall in love with someone in just a few days? Maybe not, but in those few days, I felt something. Something I have been longing to feel again ever since. I miss you, and your cheeky British accent. What I want is connection. I have a strong affinity for people. I want to love people in whichever way I am meant to love them. I have fallen in love with so many people, but I am tired of being someone’s second option, someone’s secret fling, or sexual goal. I want to be loved but realize it needs to come from myself first. I am probably the only person who can ever love myself for all I am, and I need to be okay with that. It might be nice, but I know that I need to stop relying on external validation from others. At the end of the day, I will continue to believe in love. Regardless of my past mistakes, and the inevitable mistakes I will continue to make. Ultimately, we learn. We learn what we want from all of our past relationships, failed or not. I am grateful for every single person I have ever connected with emotionally, romantically, and intimately; even if they might have hurt me deeply. Consider this a love letter to you all, Happy Valentine’s day. |
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